I struggled to fall asleep last night. As I lay in bed, my thoughts moved into dangerous territory—reliving the morning of 5/6/15. That was the day I was fired from my job and in an instant, my life changed.
Although I am feeling well, start a new job in a few days, and realize that overall this was a positive event in my life, I still find myself ruminating at times. There are a lot of unanswered questions for me as to how this all came about. The fact is that I know that problems began when I was hospitalized in February, and returned a week later. I was told at that time that I was not performing up to the agency’s standards. I explained that I was experiencing a serious episode of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and was doing everything I could to get well with the help of my psychiatrist and therapist. I asked for time to attend an intensive outpatient program (IOP) and stabilize my medications. I managed to make it to work as scheduled, despite all of these challenges, but the situation did not improve. I was warned that I had thirty days to correct my behaviors or face termination. This placed an extraordinary amount of stress on me—right in the midst of my recovery from a life-threatening case of depression.
I believe that I did everything that was asked of me by my employer, and that I addressed the pressing issues that they were concerned about. Despite my best efforts, I was let go on the morning of May 6th rather unceremoniously. They wanted to explain in detail how I had “failed”; I asked for them to simply fire me if that’s what they planned to do, cleaned out my office, and left the building in tears. While I don’t believe the agency handled the situation fairly or appropriately, I do feel a huge sense of relief at being let go. I can’t explain why I feel this way, other than the fact that the stress that had been placed on me had become so overwhelming, I preferred to face termination rather than continue in such conditions. Personally, I think it’s ridiculous to expect anyone to be successful under such dire circumstances. I could no more have completed that month intact than calculate the number of protons that fit on the head of a pin. It just wasn’t happening, and I knew it.
In hindsight, I have no regrets. While in their employ, I did good work for the agency, and I believe I honestly did my very best. I know I am a good worker, with effective habits and a lot of skills to offer. I know that I cared deeply for every client that I had the honor of working with, and I worked hard to serve them. So here I am lying in bed, wondering if I was wrong, wondering if I am a failure, and ruminating over the way the situation was handled, and I cannot sleep. I never had an opportunity to tell my side of the story, nor was I in a place to assert myself and advocate on my own behalf. If there is one thing I am angry and resentful about, I think that’s it. I’m disappointed that an agency that is supposed to be working to assist those with mental illness treated me with such utter disregard. I’m hurt that my supervisor started out as my friend and ended up as someone who I no longer care for or respect. I’m hurt that I never had a chance for any closure on the relationships I had with my clients; I know that some were deeply upset that I was fired.
I know that I have to let go of my feelings about all of this as I move into another job. I would like to have communicated with my supervisor all of the things that I experienced during the past few months, but didn’t have the chance. How do I go about letting go of this resentment, so that I’m not finding myself lying in bed saying “fuck you” to them at 1am? Perhaps a skillful thing to do would be to write a letter to my former employer—not mail it, but write it nonetheless. That may give me a chance to get all these feelings out and on paper. I could then burn the letter and imagine the smoke going up to the Universe, like a prayer or a meditation. I could burn it in my backyard firepit and let it all go. I don’t want to hold onto this stuff. I think that holding on to anger and resentment makes me physically (and spiritually) sick, and it’s really best for me to put it down in words and release it to the sky.
Yeah. I like this idea. I think I’m feeling better already. Maybe I can consider it an offering of sorts, like one would burn incense on an altar. What it says is that I trust this happened for me as it was meant to, and I am in a better place now, with some very real opportunities in front of me. It says that I don’t have to know what the outcome is, but that there is a divine plan for me and that I trust in it.
This is good. This is helpful. Yeah.