Letting go of resentment

I struggled to fall asleep last night. As I lay in bed, my thoughts moved into dangerous territory—reliving the morning of 5/6/15. That was the day I was fired from my job and in an instant, my life changed.

Although I am feeling well, start a new job in a few days, and realize that overall this was a positive event in my life, I still find myself ruminating at times. There are a lot of unanswered questions for me as to how this all came about. The fact is that I know that problems began when I was hospitalized in February, and returned a week later. I was told at that time that I was not performing up to the agency’s standards. I explained that I was experiencing a serious episode of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and was doing everything I could to get well with the help of my psychiatrist and therapist. I asked for time to attend an intensive outpatient program (IOP) and stabilize my medications. I managed to make it to work as scheduled, despite all of these challenges, but the situation did not improve. I was warned that I had thirty days to correct my behaviors or face termination. This placed an extraordinary amount of stress on me—right in the midst of my recovery from a life-threatening case of depression.

I believe that I did everything that was asked of me by my employer, and that I addressed the pressing issues that they were concerned about. Despite my best efforts, I was let go on the morning of May 6th rather unceremoniously. They wanted to explain in detail how I had “failed”; I asked for them to simply fire me if that’s what they planned to do, cleaned out my office, and left the building in tears. While I don’t believe the agency handled the situation fairly or appropriately, I do feel a huge sense of relief at being let go. I can’t explain why I feel this way, other than the fact that the stress that had been placed on me had become so overwhelming, I preferred to face termination rather than continue in such conditions. Personally, I think it’s ridiculous to expect anyone to be successful under such dire circumstances. I could no more have completed that month intact than calculate the number of protons that fit on the head of a pin. It just wasn’t happening, and I knew it.

In hindsight, I have no regrets. While in their employ, I did good work for the agency, and I believe I honestly did my very best. I know I am a good worker, with effective habits and a lot of skills to offer. I know that I cared deeply for every client that I had the honor of working with, and I worked hard to serve them. So here I am lying in bed, wondering if I was wrong, wondering if I am a failure, and ruminating over the way the situation was handled, and I cannot sleep. I never had an opportunity to tell my side of the story, nor was I in a place to assert myself and advocate on my own behalf. If there is one thing I am angry and resentful about, I think that’s it. I’m disappointed that an agency that is supposed to be working to assist those with mental illness treated me with such utter disregard. I’m hurt that my supervisor started out as my friend and ended up as someone who I no longer care for or respect. I’m hurt that I never had a chance for any closure on the relationships I had with my clients; I know that some were deeply upset that I was fired.

I know that I have to let go of my feelings about all of this as I move into another job. I would like to have communicated with my supervisor all of the things that I experienced during the past few months, but didn’t have the chance. How do I go about letting go of this resentment, so that I’m not finding myself lying in bed saying “fuck you” to them at 1am? Perhaps a skillful thing to do would be to write a letter to my former employer—not mail it, but write it nonetheless. That may give me a chance to get all these feelings out and on paper. I could then burn the letter and imagine the smoke going up to the Universe, like a prayer or a meditation. I could burn it in my backyard firepit and let it all go. I don’t want to hold onto this stuff. I think that holding on to anger and resentment makes me physically (and spiritually) sick, and it’s really best for me to put it down in words and release it to the sky.

Yeah. I like this idea. I think I’m feeling better already. Maybe I can consider it an offering of sorts, like one would burn incense on an altar. What it says is that I trust this happened for me as it was meant to, and I am in a better place now, with some very real opportunities in front of me. It says that I don’t have to know what the outcome is, but that there is a divine plan for me and that I trust in it.

This is good. This is helpful. Yeah.

Showing Up

It’s another great big beautiful day, with perfect temps in the 70’s and no rain in the forecast. Finally, after a prolonged, wet and bone-chilling spring, it’s finally beginning to feel like summer here in the armpit of the Midwest. A good day to get things done at home, take care of business, and enjoy feeling like I’ve accomplished something. This is not easy for me to do. I’m my own worst critic and tend to harsh on myself for even the smallest things. Truth is I’ve come a long way in the past nine years, since first entering DBT.

One of the key skills I’ve learned to use is Opposite to Emotion action. In the simplest terms, this means “showing up” for things and being willing to do what it takes. For someone with crippling social anxiety, this takes a great deal of practice. At the root of my fear lies the thought that I am not good enough and that others will see this and judge me. I remember bowing out of countless things and feeling overwhelmed by even the most fundamental social interactions, such as meeting a repair person at the house to fix a broken washing machine. Going for coffee at an unfamiliar cafe could send me into a tailspin. Drinks with one or two colleagues after work would shut me down, and I’d make an excuse to get out of it. Any situation in which I would might be exposed, have to make conversation, eye contact, or talk about myself was utterly mortifying. To add injury, I’d be forced to explain my behavior to others, bringing even more attention to this great big Brontosaurus that was my anxiety.

I’ve learned that success in DBT is based on taking calculated risks. This means going to group every week and participating. Keeping my therapy appointments. Calling my therapist when I’m feeling like the bottom may drop out. Accepting social invitations as often as I can, and actually showing up—despite the thoughts and fears bouncing around inside my head. I’ve found it helpful to honor the fears, to gently acknowledge and recognize them with “I hear you, fear”, but not cave into their demands. I often imagine putting my fear in a box “for now” and placing it on a high shelf out of reach. I’ve got things to do and experiences to live, so the fears can live in that box (punch a few holes in the top so they can breathe) until I’m done doing what I want. The tricky part of all this goes back to core mindfulness skills of being present.

If I allow my fears to take over my brain, I lose the ability to remain present. Losing the present moment means that I lose my ability to act on my own behalf. I can only advocate for myself if I’m here right now. A therapist once described this to me as “allowing one’s emotions to drive the bus”, and that’s about as good a description as I can think of. If we allow the noise of our fears to overwhelm us and our anxious thoughts to grab the wheel, we’re not in control of our own lives.

What this means is that even when we’re scared, we can choose to move forward. For example, today I can decide to meet a friend for coffee and not worry that I might have to sit there alone for a few minutes. I can recognize the fear in me, put on a half-smile and take a deep breath knowing that it’s my choice. I can remain present, be gentle with myself, knowing that despite any anxiety, I’m in charge. The fear and anxiety recede when we don’t give them all of our present energy. And we can go back to living life as it is meant to be lived—in the now. We can enjoy whatever it is we’re doing with peace of mind and our full attention.

My theory is that often if I bring the body, the mind will follow. So I simply drag my carcass to the show, and let things unfold as they will. What I’ve found is that my fear and anxiety has been significantly reduced, and my joy in ordinary daily life has increased ten-fold.

St. Philip’s Day

I’ve been trying to write a minimum of 500 words a day. Can’t complain that it’s been difficult, but I will admit that when sitting down to write, I haven’t really known where I’ll end up. I suppose this is okay, that I shouldn’t judge myself for wandering without a map or directions. Allowing things to become organically is a positive thing. It means I’m not trying to control the flow of words and images, that they are arising naturally from my subconscious.I tend to think that this will take me to places that I’d otherwise not venture on my own.
I’m going to simply begin where I am. It’s overcast and humid today, the kind of afternoon where you have to have lights on in the house in order to read. Most of the morning, I’ve been listening to music and remembering other times. I’ve also been worrying a bit about starting this new job next week. I wonder who I will meet in this new position, I wonder what kind of experiences I’m about to have, what challenges will present themselves to me. I’m curious and a little anxious, fearful of whether or not I will be able to rise to the occasion and do what needs to be done. When you struggle to understand what your strengths are and what you might be capable of accomplishing, you’re naturally a little nervous. I wish I had some kind of certification—some documents that told me what I have achieved and what I am able to do going forward. Like a tattoo inside my wrist that I could look at to know what I can count on. Like checking your wallet to see you have two fives, two tens, and a twenty, and knowing that despite the cover charge, you’ll still have money left for beer. There aren’t such guarantees in life. You go in hoping you have enough and if not, you’ll be able to find an ATM to withdraw more.
Thinking about this stuff doesn’t help me much to remain present and live in the moment. This means I look up at the clock, shocked that it’s already past noon and my bathroom still isn’t clean, the trash hasn’t taken itself out, and my hair still needs to be washed. There’s a post office run and prescriptions to be picked up. Cigarettes to be smoked, coffee to be sipped and some semblance of a life to be lived. There’s positive thoughts to be affirmed, negative to be discarded, the constant reshuffling and redealing of my brain’s hand. Passing ache of loss and the sigh of being alive, as I tell myself that it’s worth it, keep going, all will be well, despite flashbacks and weird head trips and bad dreams. I’ve got to find reasons every day to keep going, nothing is assumed and at this stage, nothing is taken for granted.
So close. Keep going. Don’t stop. It’s worth it. Even if you don’t know what’s coming or when it will come, it’s thrilling to have another chance. I’m relieved I survived another dark winter without going David Foster Wallace. We’re all living the tedious ordinary moments of our lives to get to the passing, transitory victories.